I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
