she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
