When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
