How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
