It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
