Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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