you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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