The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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