I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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