Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
