Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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