it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
