I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
