yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Plan B is the new Plan A
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
