That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
