weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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