Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
