Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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