Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
