And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
