Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
