We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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