somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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