I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
