i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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