get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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