I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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