There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
