After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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