he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
