Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
