Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
