I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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