she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
