I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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