the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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