Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
