why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
