I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
