i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
