Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
