you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
