Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
