He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
