I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
