Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
