sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
