Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
