I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
