Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
