Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
