I wish my penis had an off switch
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
