Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
